Waiting for tests and results and keeping calm!

It was precisely 1 year ago to the day that I received my breast cancer diagnosis: Whilst my human mind had convinced itself I was going to be all clear, me deeper self knew I had cancer… I could tell at the triple test that the ultrasound technician had seen something, and she had said she was ‘worried’ twice. After 3 days of my mind racing all over the place and lots of emotional outbursts, I pulled myself back to centre, practiced present moment awareness, convinced myself that it probably wasn’t cancer and that if it was, it was an early stage, slow growing type that I could attempt to heal naturally with careful monitoring... and then progress to medical intervention if necessary. 

On the morning of my test results, I did a yoga practice and at the end I went into a meditation. I asked the question ‘what do you want me to know today’ and the answer was ‘I am with you’ ... Not ‘everything is going to be ok!’ My inner being knew exactly what was coming! 

Just after that, a dear friend and work colleague sent me this beautiful poem which I totally loved and I hope you do too!

Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

As it transpired, my final diagnosis was a stage 3, proven lymph node +, HER2+ (which makes it more aggressive), ostrogen+ and progesterone+ carcinal ductile malignant breast tumour. 

The few immediate close friends and family that I told seemed surprise at the stage and type, after all, I didn’t have any family history and as one of my friends said ‘you’re the healthiest person I know to have got cancer’! I guess I felt the same at the time of receiving my results. However, a few days later, on reflection, I smirked at the irony ……. that it isn’t any great surprise at all that my type was ‘triple positive’ and’ fast moving’ ….. 2 concepts that reflect my personality down to a tee!!! I remember thinking …… ‘if it can move fast in one direction, it can move fast in the opposite direction’!!! And one year on, with a combination of medical intervention alongside a few complimentary therapies, nutritional healing and lots of mind, body & being practices, I believe that’s precisely what I’ve done! 

I can honestly say I’ve had a fantastic year despite being on high dose chemotherapy & immunotherapies for 4 months followed by lower dose chemotherapy & immunotherapy for 8 months, an operation and radiotherapy. In many ways, I feel healthier and more balanced than before my diagnosis, I have grown, evolved, and learnt LOADS and I am hoping that by sharing my story and all of the things I have done, YOU can take steps to make a difference to the way you THINK and FEEL during your treatment and beyond so that you can live day by day, moment by moment with minimal stress and fear and maximum hope, faith, joy and bliss. 

I feel very blessed that I already had a very regular yoga practice coming into my diagnosis. I had practiced Mysore style Ashtanga Yoga 4-5 per week for the previous 6 years, and I had attended 2 x 10 days Buddhuist silent meditation retreats, as well as doing ad hoc Yin Yoga & meditation classes alongside teaching. This, alongside past challenges that I have managed to navigate and come through, gave me the tools to be able to drop the fear early on. 

I knew almost immediately that the diagnosis was part of my spiritual path. And I also knew that every obstacle brings with it opportunity. As one of the famous Buddhism quotes goes:

‘The obstables aren’t along the path, they ARE the path’

I really feel I have experienced this in many life situations. 

When I look back, I have such amazing memories of the 2-week wait I had from finding the lump until my triple test. It was August 2020, the weather was glorious, and I spent a lot of the time on the beach, catching up with friends, paddle boarding and making the most of ‘eat out to help out!’ The only wobble I had was after I received the letter from the GP with my triple test appointment, and on the letter they clearly spell out the reason for the test: ‘LUMP SUSPICIOUS OF CANCER’ – and naturally, fear kicked in, the first thought being ….. how am I going to tell the kids? 

I remember arriving on a friend’s doorstep and burst out crying. From my experience, I think the testing and waiting for results is the most worrying and challenging part ….. dealing with the ‘not knowing’. We are conditioned to ‘want to know’ and our minds find it extremely challenging to ‘wait well’.

So, in this first blog post I have shared a simple breath practice & a few reflections that I believe may be very helpful for anyone who is feeling worried, anxious or fearful about forthcoming tests and subsequent results. These practices will also be great for anyone who may have received unwanted news, is concerned about their cancer returning or progressing or who is worried about anything at all in life! Please feel free so share these with anyone who you feel make enjoy and benefit from them.

Love, light and healing energy

Clare Xx